Buttied..... buttfucked.....cunted.

Like most of the other blogs have covered, drinking has been the name of the game recently, with a host of nights out recently since '10 pint Porter' returned from up north. The title of this blog includes words that have been consistently and affectionally used by myself and others who i've been drinking with.

Thursday was a good night as there were shit loads of heads and very roudy banter. This reminded me of the good old days (like in my i-phone screen saver) where everyone would be out and you could sit back, close your eyes and immerse yourself in the crass bent around you. We lost the darts bet AGAIN. Although its been a very unpredictable and frustrating premier league in terms of trying to call the outcomes of the 4 matches each week i would happily lose for the remaining weeks if we won when we actually go to watch it at Wembley Arena. If we all betted on the same outcome and it came in that would be fucking nuts.

I went to Brighton this weekend. No sooner than i had stepped into the flat i was offered (ordered) to do the following dare - to eat a spoonful of horse radish and a hallipino in return for an ice cold pint. Now back in my student days i wouldn't have thought twice about doing it. But even as a working lad i still have this scrounging mentality and ended up doing the dare. Needless to say the bastard things blew my bloody head off and of course i never saw the pint that i was promised later in the evening.

Other funny moments included smoking a fag outside, being told that we were leaving even though i'd only just sparked up, so i carried the lit fag through the bar area in full view and i think i had a couple of cheeky drags along the way as well. I had a completely pointless arm wrestle with a mate who is left handed. He'd fuck me with his left arm and i'd do the same with my right. Utterly pointless.

Lastly i was told off by some girl mates about my behaviour with Kluft. Its funny how boys and girls mentality is different sometimes. The girls were saying things like think how the bf would feel, you can do better, you're living dangerously. Where as the boys were saying to keep doing her, could they join in, would there be any possibility of taking some pictures.

The Weekend

Friday
Went to Watford with J and Alex. You could tell this was going to be a good night right from the start. Sometimes you just have that feeling. Everyone's bent was on fire, the beer was slipping down like a treat and i felt really up for it. These are your 'Moments of Mirth':

• Hearing Alex's account of doing the walls of jericho on his girlfriend in the taxi. LOL. To the point where she was pressed down on the floor, carpet burn on her cheeks, tears streaming down her face, barely able to breathe! This is a great advert for the LWO and great t0 see that one of the mandible twins has been preparing for a re-match this easter with the Yates brothers.
• The happy birthday song - the 3 of us revamped and 'Mark Ronsoned' this traditional song into a freestyling delight. It included an extra special snippet of the song 'beautiful' half way through with dramatic pauses and harmonies to add to this. Yet when we went to sing it to the birthday girl Lucy Hilton we were thwarted by cutlers who drowned out our version and stuck to the normal one. urgh.
• Lamb - We asked the barman for some sambuca, thinking this was a nice rough shot to get the birthday girl. But no, according to the said gentleman, this wasn't brutal enough. He had something much worse up his sleive. A white rum that soon had the nickname 'lamb' was what returned. Hilton struggled with the 3 shots, sipping them like a fruit juice, her hand firmly clasped around her mouth. She wasn't sick but the 3 of us certainly contributed in a big way to her leaving that shithole buttfucked.
• Introducing awkwardness - now we talked about this at the pub, with Alex telling a funny story of awkwardness when meeting his house mates parents. We discussed what was acceptable and what we normally did and how something that should be so trivial and inconsequential can actually lead to embarrasement. Later when we were being introduced to Hilton's friends the exact thing we talked about happened! I went for a peck on the cheek (mistake in hindsight) Al went for a handshake and J a 'Hi'. This concept could easily warrant a separate, more detailed blog as it really is so complex!
• Area - me and Al ventured onto Area and pretty much straight to the dancefloor. I grinded one hot blond girl, was instructed by Al to dance with another blonde who i pulled then disaster struck. I was informed that Hilton's mate Hope liked me and was making certain enquiries about my availability. No sooner had this chat finished but two outstreched hands were before me and not having the skills to think quickly enough to avoid the situation i was indulging in a sloppy, nicotine tasting snog. I wanted out and cryed for help from Al. I eventually managed to break away but had to endure frowning and dissaproving looks from Hope and 'why wasn't i dancing with her anymore?.'
• The place turned into a shithole, one 3 blacks took to the stage and started rapping. Suddenly we were in the minority and we made the decision to get out of there sharpish. We walked to the taxi pick up point and would you believe it, 50 yards up the road there stood the gay, Hilton and Hope. nooooo! We had an awkward group chat and a very, very awkward goodbye and then off to bed at 2.45

Saturday

• Harrow was the destination this time. And this time both Lucy's had to be satisfied in secret. We had to meet with Timbury in some shithole in Harrow on the Hill. The story that we planned to tell her when we were leaving was that we had some other place to be (40th birthday at the British legion was talked about) but the main thing was to NOT mention going to Hilton's party at Harrow Cricket club. Otherwise the bricks and golf clubs would be dusted off. 2 or 3 jacques later and Gary almost blew our cover. Luckily Timbury didn't cotton on and we breathed a sigh of relief.
• Big Break remix - this was fucking hilarious and one of my favourite moments of the whole weekend. From no where we were singing the Tenerife classic again but this time the verison was: 'It's only a fuck so, you'd better believe i'm right. I'm gonna be fucking her cunt tonight, der der der der der der der der.' I can't remember the next bit but it ended with 'there's gonna be dick in her gob, dick in her bum, dick in her cunt tnight. Timbury. Dick her gob, dick in her bum, dick in her cunt tonight. Timbury! eeeeuuurrrggghhhh (loud ejaculation noises to replicate the sound at the end of the normal, more pleasant version!) This was sung by 5 lads at the top of our voices walking down Harrow high street.
• we eventually got to the shithole with the sometimes helpful, sometimes not i-phone to aid us and got stuck into eyeing up some 18 year olds and getting some fosters. One girl had an outfit that left nothing to the imagination and J rightfully explored the idea of how easy it would be to slip it in on the dancefloor at some point.
• Balloon bursting - the night ended and me and J were standing by some balloons by the wall on the dancefloor. I can't remember who's idea it was but we decided to try and burst the balloons with our heads. So we proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes doing so. One person holding the balloon in place and the other flying head first into it. J won the competition by bursting one and our desire to burst the last one was stopped by Martin Lewis. lol.
• The night ended with us searching for Gary who had wandered of hand in hand with some slapper. When in the taxi Gary said 'i would have fucked that girl by the willow tree, but i decided to be sick instead'. The journey home was memorable for ruining any chance Gary had of speaking to Janine on the phone by making a complete racket and singing one last chorus of our new Big Break song.

Right, i'm off for another wank....