A tale of Chopper

Buttied..... buttfucked.....cunted.

2009-04-13T02:01:00.000-07:00

Like most of the other blogs have covered, drinking has been the name of the game recently, with a host of nights out recently since '10 pint Porter' returned from up north. The title of this blog includes words that have been consistently and affectionally used by myself and others who i've been drinking with.

Thursday was a good night as there were shit loads of heads and very roudy banter. This reminded me of the good old days (like in my i-phone screen saver) where everyone would be out and you could sit back, close your eyes and immerse yourself in the crass bent around you. We lost the darts bet AGAIN. Although its been a very unpredictable and frustrating premier league in terms of trying to call the outcomes of the 4 matches each week i would happily lose for the remaining weeks if we won when we actually go to watch it at Wembley Arena. If we all betted on the same outcome and it came in that would be fucking nuts.

I went to Brighton this weekend. No sooner than i had stepped into the flat i was offered (ordered) to do the following dare - to eat a spoonful of horse radish and a hallipino in return for an ice cold pint. Now back in my student days i wouldn't have thought twice about doing it. But even as a working lad i still have this scrounging mentality and ended up doing the dare. Needless to say the bastard things blew my bloody head off and of course i never saw the pint that i was promised later in the evening.

Other funny moments included smoking a fag outside, being told that we were leaving even though i'd only just sparked up, so i carried the lit fag through the bar area in full view and i think i had a couple of cheeky drags along the way as well. I had a completely pointless arm wrestle with a mate who is left handed. He'd fuck me with his left arm and i'd do the same with my right. Utterly pointless.

Lastly i was told off by some girl mates about my behaviour with Kluft. Its funny how boys and girls mentality is different sometimes. The girls were saying things like think how the bf would feel, you can do better, you're living dangerously. Where as the boys were saying to keep doing her, could they join in, would there be any possibility of taking some pictures.

The Weekend

2009-04-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

Friday
Went to Watford with J and Alex. You could tell this was going to be a good night right from the start. Sometimes you just have that feeling. Everyone's bent was on fire, the beer was slipping down like a treat and i felt really up for it. These are your 'Moments of Mirth':

Hearing Alex's account of doing the walls of jericho on his girlfriend in the taxi. LOL. To the point where she was pressed down on the floor, carpet burn on her cheeks, tears streaming down her face, barely able to breathe! This is a great advert for the LWO and great t0 see that one of the mandible twins has been preparing for a re-match this easter with the Yates brothers.
The happy birthday song - the 3 of us revamped and 'Mark Ronsoned' this traditional song into a freestyling delight. It included an extra special snippet of the song 'beautiful' half way through with dramatic pauses and harmonies to add to this. Yet when we went to sing it to the birthday girl Lucy Hilton we were thwarted by cutlers who drowned out our version and stuck to the normal one. urgh.
Lamb - We asked the barman for some sambuca, thinking this was a nice rough shot to get the birthday girl. But no, according to the said gentleman, this wasn't brutal enough. He had something much worse up his sleive. A white rum that soon had the nickname 'lamb' was what returned. Hilton struggled with the 3 shots, sipping them like a fruit juice, her hand firmly clasped around her mouth. She wasn't sick but the 3 of us certainly contributed in a big way to her leaving that shithole buttfucked.
Introducing awkwardness - now we talked about this at the pub, with Alex telling a funny story of awkwardness when meeting his house mates parents. We discussed what was acceptable and what we normally did and how something that should be so trivial and inconsequential can actually lead to embarrasement. Later when we were being introduced to Hilton's friends the exact thing we talked about happened! I went for a peck on the cheek (mistake in hindsight) Al went for a handshake and J a 'Hi'. This concept could easily warrant a separate, more detailed blog as it really is so complex!
Area - me and Al ventured onto Area and pretty much straight to the dancefloor. I grinded one hot blond girl, was instructed by Al to dance with another blonde who i pulled then disaster struck. I was informed that Hilton's mate Hope liked me and was making certain enquiries about my availability. No sooner had this chat finished but two outstreched hands were before me and not having the skills to think quickly enough to avoid the situation i was indulging in a sloppy, nicotine tasting snog. I wanted out and cryed for help from Al. I eventually managed to break away but had to endure frowning and dissaproving looks from Hope and 'why wasn't i dancing with her anymore?.'
The place turned into a shithole, one 3 blacks took to the stage and started rapping. Suddenly we were in the minority and we made the decision to get out of there sharpish. We walked to the taxi pick up point and would you believe it, 50 yards up the road there stood the gay, Hilton and Hope. nooooo! We had an awkward group chat and a very, very awkward goodbye and then off to bed at 2.45

Saturday

Harrow was the destination this time. And this time both Lucy's had to be satisfied in secret. We had to meet with Timbury in some shithole in Harrow on the Hill. The story that we planned to tell her when we were leaving was that we had some other place to be (40th birthday at the British legion was talked about) but the main thing was to NOT mention going to Hilton's party at Harrow Cricket club. Otherwise the bricks and golf clubs would be dusted off. 2 or 3 jacques later and Gary almost blew our cover. Luckily Timbury didn't cotton on and we breathed a sigh of relief.
Big Break remix - this was fucking hilarious and one of my favourite moments of the whole weekend. From no where we were singing the Tenerife classic again but this time the verison was: 'It's only a fuck so, you'd better believe i'm right. I'm gonna be fucking her cunt tonight, der der der der der der der der.' I can't remember the next bit but it ended with 'there's gonna be dick in her gob, dick in her bum, dick in her cunt tnight. Timbury. Dick her gob, dick in her bum, dick in her cunt tonight. Timbury! eeeeuuurrrggghhhh (loud ejaculation noises to replicate the sound at the end of the normal, more pleasant version!) This was sung by 5 lads at the top of our voices walking down Harrow high street.
we eventually got to the shithole with the sometimes helpful, sometimes not i-phone to aid us and got stuck into eyeing up some 18 year olds and getting some fosters. One girl had an outfit that left nothing to the imagination and J rightfully explored the idea of how easy it would be to slip it in on the dancefloor at some point.
Balloon bursting - the night ended and me and J were standing by some balloons by the wall on the dancefloor. I can't remember who's idea it was but we decided to try and burst the balloons with our heads. So we proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes doing so. One person holding the balloon in place and the other flying head first into it. J won the competition by bursting one and our desire to burst the last one was stopped by Martin Lewis. lol.
The night ended with us searching for Gary who had wandered of hand in hand with some slapper. When in the taxi Gary said 'i would have fucked that girl by the willow tree, but i decided to be sick instead'. The journey home was memorable for ruining any chance Gary had of speaking to Janine on the phone by making a complete racket and singing one last chorus of our new Big Break song.

Right, i'm off for another wank....

what? another blogg? you fucking nutter!

2009-03-29T10:16:00.000-07:00

Last Night
I went to that shithole Sway last night with Gareth, Daz and J. We had the unfortunate situation of being caught up with all the sweaty Engerland fans on the train at wembley and it was bloody packed. J was half hanging out at one point and the situation wasn't made any better having to endure slurping from a couple right next to us. Not only were they complete dog breaths and butt ugly but their endless pecking and sloppy kissing was enough to form a furrowed frown on daz's face!
We went to a dump for pre drinks and got stuck into some strongbows. As you're all aware, we sometimes drink lager, somtimes cider. Different drinks for different needs. We congregated ourselves round the fruit machine and played the monopoly game only to be thwarted on a number of occasions by a dodgy question about castles or something along those lines. It was quite funny as after we'd vacated, two guys that looked no better than a pair of tramps scuttled over and won!
In Sway we decided to go upstairs to the Restaurant area and sank some cheap wine and traded crass and yuppie bent. Daz and J got the last train home and me and gareth then went downstairs for larks. At this point i started to get really buttied and don't remember a lot apart from galavanting around the dancefloor with Gareth persuing some spanish girls. We saw Fragma live and i think gareth spoke to her briefly.
We then left and had a wretchedly long walk to Marble Arch to catch the oxford tube back to Hillingdon. We always seem to get unlucky with how long we have to wait, there were countless busses to Luton Airport but no sign of ours. At this stage it was getting pretty cold and we were both shattered. I was so buttfucked i couldn't even fucking text properly, so got Gareth to text on my behalf, letting AC know i was travelling back.
Eventually the bus came and then at Hillingdon we got a cab back to eastcote. The taxi driver tried to con us with what he was going to charge, so i'll transcribe Gareth's account of events that he texted this afternoon:
'How much mate?' 'That will be £18 please' 'what the....we only came from Hillingdon, i'll get out here.' 'ok, £14' 'ok mate, here's how it is, i'm simply not paying that, we weren't born yesterday' 'i'm afraid it costs more because its a sunday' 'oh come off it mate, we aren't exactly stopping you from going to church!'
hahahaha! I think Gareth even got his phone out to show him the mileage and in the rear view mirror i could see he started to look guilty.
In the end i got in at 5.50am with the birds tweeting (always a bad sign) and it starting oto get very light.
Needless to say i was incredibly hungover today....

Update

2009-03-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Sport

It's getting very interesting in the Premier League now. Every game that passes now, Fergie is looking more red faced, chewing even more gum and apparently has been venting his anger and frustration at the petulant, fat necked Wayne Rooney in training recently. I still think the Scousers will bottle it but one more slip up from united and there could be a a different name at the top of the league.
Andy Murray beat Federer in the Masters AGAIN the other day. Apparently there was a bit of niggle too and not suprisingly so. Imagine losing to that pale, droning git again, it would do your fucking head in. Luckily enough i've got tickets to go and see the final Masters event at the o2 arena later in the year. Any anti Murray chants, banners you have - pass them to me and i'll happily relay the message when i'm there.
F1 looks like it will be vastly different to last year with Ferrari and Mclaren dominating. Apparently the best car in practice ahead of the first Grand prix this weekend is the Honda team with Jenson Button. Just goes to show that it's the car and not the drivers. Hopefully people will cut out the Lewis Hamilton wanking sessions, the wankers!

Bent

Went out with Daz and some ex work colleagues to Roadhouse in Covent Garden on Saturday. It was a good night, considering everyone was shattered before we'd even got there. Me and Daz had some wine and not before long we were grinding the shit out of each other and anyone who dared to walk past. The lowlight of the night was having to pay 20p to use the toilet at North Acton. What a shithole! Daz made sure it remained that way by slashing on the floor in the cubicle next to me with the splash back almost going up my leg! dirty!
Got Don's birthday bent down the den tonight, so sure as hell we'll be drinking ourselves into a stupour and delivering loud and crass bent. Which brings me onto the Lucie's. Me and J were chuckling the other day at how we're keeping them both sweet. They dislike each other which was made even more obvious last Thursday with a tipsy Hilton explaining her side of the 'bricked house & swinging golf clubs at house party gate'. J made comment that as long as we nod our heads and grunt the odd approval at their dislike of the other Lucie then our loyalty is still in tact (without their knowledge) and we still get a cunt load of drink!

Tennis

2009-01-25T05:11:00.000-08:00

I played tennis yesterday with G-Dor and J. We played at 9am like the freaks we are, bundled up in thick layers with the frosty courts allowing very little bounce. It was the first time i'd played on the shitholes so i was excited to say the least. All 3 of us played reasonably ok, considering we're not completely back in the swing of things yet and we're only likely to improve from here on in.
Moments that tickeled me:

After nev had shown his suprise at why we were playing and so early, J replied saying that we felt like doing something really radical and off the wall lol! It's quite funny that it's become such a rarerity that we play these days that it's reached the point where we feel like we're extremists!
When gareth asked Nev if he'd been playing much, he replied saying 'yeah about 30 years' lol lol
A really abysmal sequence of games culminating in J doing a smash that should have gone miles over the back fence but somehow fizzed up into orbit with the most viscious amount of spin and somehow landing in!
An off-peaker turned up and said to my mum, 'when are these juniors finishing up then?'. Not only was he mocking our standard of play, but calling us juniors?! Baring in mind 3 of us are early 20's and the other mid 30's it seems a fucking daft thing to say!
Doing weird imaginary celebrations opposite Gareth at the net
Nev commenting to J (after he'd hit a backhand slice into the net) that his game very much resembles that of Andy Murray's. With J groaning in disapointment! lol

I'm looking forward to the next hit. We were supposed to play again today but the weather is dire and having played tennis and doing gym yesterday my arms are fucked.

A Catch Up

2009-01-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since i've blogged and like Gareth says on his recent post, i shan't make promises that this will be a regular return to action, but i will do my best to post more frequently and less sporadically.

I've just been watching some of the snooker. The masters is always a good tournament as it's at wembley and the atmosphere couldn't be any different to the other scheduled torunament over the coveted year. The crowd are noisy and boisterous and have no qualms about shouting out. 2 years ago the young Chinese lad Ding Jun Hui was reduced to tears and left the arena mid frame to sulk in his dressing room, such was the voiciferous backing they gave to O'Sullivan. I read the other day that Ronnie deliberately smashed his cue up in what he called a clensing, healing process. Many players have the same cue throughout the whole career, which makes it even more bizzare and funny. Ronnie's nuts, and there's probably a lot of people out there who think he's a wanker, but i love watching him play and wouldn't watch snooker if he wasn't.

On the subject of sport i hope to get back into playing tennis soon. I normally don't return to playing until May(which J jokingly said was very early the other day!) but i got a call from Nev the other day saying that i will be playing in the 4th team this year. They will be in div 2 so the standard should be fairly decent, so returning ahead of schedule is probably a wise idea. Gareth and J are both keen to start playing again too, so hopefully we can get some hits organised.

As for work, it has been relatively quiet since returning after the xmas break, which i guess isn't surprising. I find it difficult to pretend that i'm busy, so i actually would embrace the idea of being genuinely busy! well, not too busy of course as i need time to browse the QPR message boards and watch classic porn. I have written a few case studies for the website which has been quite good. If you're bored shitless go to bbv.co.uk and case studies and there is some of the stuff that i have produced.

Lastly it is the return of the darts season. The recent world Championship combined with the upcoming premier league always generates a renewed interest in playing as well. Me, Daz, Gareth and J played on Thursday. We weren't exactly firing on all cylinders but it was a good laugh all the same, with some closely fought legs. We have a fair few crazes going on at the moment - spontaneous wrestling, darts and now the new one, quiz machines! Long may they continue!

New job

2008-10-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is my 4th day now at my new job and so far so good. It was all very strange when i first started - new surroundings, new journey to work, new staff ect but i'm starting to feel more settled now. The thing i didn't realise is how small my company. Only 3 permanent members of staff and a few consultants that deliver training elsewhere. Although the office is relatively big, the premises are predominantly for Park Royal Partnership staff, which is the company that owns ours.
The role looks like it will be really good. I'm going to be in charge of updating the website with different features, writing material for the leaflets/fliers etc and there will be some financial duties as well such as dealing with invoices and monthly claim figures. The whole set up here is far more professional. JGA was a shithole in comparison, where you could happily laugh, joke and play pranks all day. I kind of miss that, but it had gone very stale there and it was definitely time to move on. I've been so tired in the evenings. Each day's been pretty taxing on the mind, learning all this new stuff so i've been falling asleep by about 9 o'clock!
On a seperate note i went to the Lowlands comedy night last saturday. It wasn't as good as the year before where i'd gone with Alex. The reason to mention this night is because one of the comedians fell completely flat. It was a young women, but she totally fucked up the first joke through nerves and stuttered over her words which affected the timing of the punchline. After that it was hell, really embarrasing with no laughter, not even a murmer. It was a shame and i felt sorry for her as she might have been better received had her start been more confident and assured. I'd have fucked her too. Should have offered a shoulder to cry on...
There's RE bent tonight, but i've no idea of what heads are going. Tomorrow is good as i'm the only one in, so they'll be plenty of time to fuck about and try and secure some oasis tickets for Wembley stadium next summer

In Limbo

2008-10-08T08:02:00.001-07:00

I'm in a funny situation at work now. With only 7 days remaining until i leave i'm finding that not only is my mentallity and approach different but also my colleagues. People aren't giving me work because there's the danger it won't get done in time, and in general i am far less involved in things. I thought being able to doss like this would be fun, but its actually wearing a bit thin now. I'm bored of going on the same websites all the time and the days seem very long. I also feel guilty that other people are working flat out, rushing round the office, whilst i'm looking at images of famous freaks on google.

I'm back in the game now, though i don't think i ever really was properly before. I made the silly mistake of over training and not allowing muscle recovery or growth, plus i didn't eat anywhere near the required amount to visibly see results. Anyhow after research etc, i feel more prepared this time around and with J and Daz back in the game too, hopefully i'll feel compelled to keep it going.

Last saturday we went to Camden for J's birthday. I'd been to Camden once before, where i went to a place called Underground. I thought it was dog shit, but this time around it was much, much better. We started in the Lock, which was a cool bar, hidden round the back. Everyone started to get buttied, necking yaygerbombers(Sp!) and other awful drinks, peering into girls bossoms and getting snapped with celebs. Unfortunately the group got split withe J, Saaaym, Daz and D going to The Worlds end and the rest of us ending up in the Electric Ballroom. Because the place was so big, for large quantities of the night we all spent long periods of time on our own which was strange, but it was a decent night all the same.

This post is probably a real let down, following on from a post that covered Tenerife and all the funny moments from then. I feel pretty empty headed actually.

Tenerife

2008-09-26T01:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while. A long while really, considering the title of my last post was 'Olympics'. Anyway, its been a couple of weeks since we got back from Tenerife and i thought it would be funny to reflect on some of the banter. Like Abbas did, i'll pick random things that i found funny, perhaps not the obvious, classic stories and ones that haven't been blogged yet. here goes:

1. Balcony antics - There were various moments during our time on the balcony that must have really fucked the neighbours off! All of us doing loud hand clapping, loud singing at the top of our voices, me j and al doing some sort of weird group dance and being caught, talking about rape, al pretending to have sex with the yellow ball and being caught, gary wanking over the edge!!

2. Lesree Rideout - urgh. This was living proof of how our banter can just go to waste sometimes. During the quiz at the restaurant they were playing snippets of songs/tv progs etc and you had to identify what it was. They played Coronation Street, so Al quipped 'Isn't that the national anthem' to which lesree replied 'no it aint, durr, are you mates fick or someink'.

3. Moments of embarrasment Part 1- As Al touched upon it in his blog, we got stopped by a rep on a motorbike and we had to endure all the usual claptrap of 'oh there's gonna be some fanny and some fat ones, free drinks, tickets going fast' and why the guy couldn't sense that we weren't interested is beyond belief. When he finally asked if we were interested, Al replied 'Monday i'm.....' and massive silence followed!! haha, this happened whilst Gary was staring at the palm tree, j doing hos trademark unimpressed expression and me kicking a stray leaf on the ground. Gary later confessed that he said the name of our hotlel, because the embarrasment was unbearable!
Part 2 - At the Aiport on the way home, having joked about seeing the Rideouts and what would happen, it actually ended up happening. The four of us were chilling, reading and listening to music, when out of the corner of my eye i saw them. They had actually seeked us out and before you knew it they perched themselves next to us. J put a hoody on and pretended to go to sleep, whilst laura was scrutinising his every movement, looking for any sign of him waking. When Al 'woke' him up J said 'Oh hi, i didn't realise you girls were here otherwise i would have stayed awake'.

4. On the second night, me and Gary were walking back and we somehow lost Al and J even though we were walking together. I, for no apparent reason stopped on the side of the road and was just staring blankly ahead and started to stroke a cactus! I did this 2-3 times even though it hurt each time and woke the next morning with thorns in my palm.

There are so many other funny moments, but i'll end my post with some funny quotes.

'Hi, It's me'
'What, so all you're doing is drinking? Oh come on guys, its Tenerife not fucking Blackpool'
'What does again mean?'
'Read all about it, read all about it, Theo Walcott murdered Jill Dando'
'OH FUCK OFF! McDonalds is open'
'Do you wanna leg it from the taxi?' (Gary, inside the cab)
'Burp, eeeuuurrrgggghhh'

I don't really feel i've done the holiday justice, so many funny things happened, but its impossible to remember. Which is why its good when you reflect on it with the other heads, as everyone remembers different things.

Olympics

2008-08-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

Great Britain in 3rd place in the medals tally? 'Oh shut up you berk' would be the answer you'd expect. But we are indeed in that position and even more remarkably, it could have been better. It's quite refreshing to see us dominate in certian sports like the Cycling, Sailing and Rowing. So often we've been 2nd best to Nations, far smaller and poorer than we are, with the media gripping onto the hope that maybe one athlete would be able to bring a medal home. We were world class at getting bronze, but now it seems that's just not good enough anymore.
I listened to an interview on the radio the other day and they were saying how some British athlete's are actually gutted with getting silvers. The womens 4 in the rowing were speechless and it seems like an Australian-like grit and determination has been instille, whereby the previous English philosophy of taking part is no longer acceptable.

The Chinese have taken things even further. I read that their trap shooter was bollocked for coming third. The interviewer posed questions like 'You must be dissapointed with that', 'You only scored 7.8 in round one, explain why that was', until the guy eventually succcumbed to the interogation, admitting that he'd 'let the nation down'. poor sod.

Occasionally on the bbc round up they will finish with funny outakes from the Olympics, that you ordinarily wouldn't see or notice. I will relay the ones i can remember that made me chuckle:
1. A trampolinist that just jumped up and down, didn't attempt any twist, or flips. nothing. The judges actually asked him to stop!
2. A 33 stone Judo wrestler, who had all his gut spilling out. How the fuck are you supposed to throw him over!
3. A women 1500 metre runner, who gets tarted up before each race. Mascara, lipstick, eye shadow, the lot. strange. Maybe she wants a bit of Brendon Foster inside her.

New football season

2008-08-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

Thank god its arrived! I've spent numerous days at work pressing the F5 button on the message boards, being addicted to the rumours of which players are coming/going and now thankfully the silly season has finished and we're down to the nitty gritty. Normally you associate the 1st game of the season with scorching temperatures, fans wearing their new shirts sitting outside the pubs in fine voice. Yesterday however was quite the opposite and felt like any other game. The miserable weather, the lack of fans around(probably owing to the fact that i forgot the season tickets and had to go back home making us later than normal) made the whole occassion seem altogether quite strange. The match was preceded with elaborate, over the top fireworks and flames and the prevailing mist gave it quite an Italian like feel. In typical QPR fashion, with the expectation and anticipation surrounding us this season we went 1-0 down after 4 mins. I won't bore you with all the details of the match, but the game nearly ended with our centre back getting a hatrick. weird.

I helped the 4th team get promoted last thursday. I felt quite under pressure actually, considering it was my 1st match with them and they needed 14 points to get promotion. I didn't want to be the cunt that fucked up a whole seasons worth of work for the rest of them that had played in each game and have to avoid the cutting, sarcy remarks from Ian and Colin afterwards. I was playing with bum boy vic Butler and it was draining to say the least. Particular comments included 'keep it in play and wait for them to make a mistake', '3 out of 4 is glory mate. Go for the glory mate'. Hardly Vic. I'd associate glory with winning the world cup, breaking the 100 metre world record or winning all 4 slams in one year, not winning a couple of sets against Harrow Baptist. Talking of Harrow Baptist, my god they were bad. Considering they are in the division above what i have been playing this year with the 5ths they were fucking toilet. This isn't meant to sound arrogant, but i actually felt bored out there, so if that is any sort of reflection or indication of what to expect next year, then we've got little to worry about.

I went to Camden last night. It was shit. There's been a recurring theme to my blogs where i reflect on a place i've been to that i knew was going to be pants, and yet still decided to go, against my better judgement. Though it is a lively place during the day with the market, at night it is quite soulless and characterless. The place we ended up in was full of these goth like gouls and emo sadists and me and my mate Wise were described by one as dressing pretentiously. I felt really out of place and wished i were in soho or covent garden.

Promotion

2008-08-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

The 5th team got promoted last night. We needed 14 points to secure it and thats exactly what we did, winning 14-10. It was a difficult match, but probably the most enjoyable, because they were all attacking players and it was good tennis from both teams. I thought it was all going to go tits up though, breaking a string in the 2nd game of the 1st match. Luckily, the racket i borrowed was similiar to mine. My form is good at the moment, which is why it's a shame that the season is now over. I'm looking forward to next season, though it will obviously be a sterner test.

I saw Batman last week. It's a really good film and deserves all the acolades and credit it has already received. I'm glad they didn't decide to scrap showing the film because of Heath ledger's death. What a fucking stupid idea.

I went to london on Saturday night for Gareth and Chris' birthday. We started off in the slug and lettuce and completely took over the place. The group consisted of the usual heads, Chris' uni friends; Gareth's uni/course mates and his brother and his mates. Good banter it were too, with the conversation flitting between the LDC, different moods/types of wanking and offensive football chants. We then headed to Roxy, which is an underground bar/club type place, which played some quality music and offered some reasonably priced boozed. Me and Gareth hooked up with a couple of blonde girls. I've texted mine in the hope of meeting for a drink(maybe a double date), but i'm yet to receive a reply. There's so many unwritten rules/ettiquete involved in when to text, when to expect a reply etc. I'll actually be quite dissapointed if she doesn't reply, she seemed like a really nice girl and she was attractive too.

Bournmouth

2008-07-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

Last weekend i went to Bournmouth with 11 other guys from the tennis club. Its an annual tour, but it was my first so i was curious as to what sort of stuff went on. I'll bullet point funny moments, things of significance:

-The prosperous and the vagabonds: one of the resounding things i'll remeber from the trip is how rich some of the other guys are and how nonchelent they were with their money. Now with my mates, if you owe someone a drink, even as little as say 40p, they won't let you forget. You'll be chased to the end of the earth for it. At Bourmouth literally everything was paid for-lunch, drinks, lap dances, you name it. On one occassion Will came up to the younger gang(me j and Al) asked if we wanted drinks, got the drinks, brought them back, then fucked off! Another funny moment was Nev on the saturday morning almost irritatingly dismissing J's guilt for inadvertently and mistakingly racking up a £120 lap dance bill by saying 'we're not 5 year olds anymore, we can afford these things down to the manor'.

-The sexual deviants: two funny incidents. 1. all the others had gone down to the beach and j and i decided that before we would follow suit, a bit of tuggy fun was needed. so we went our seperate ways and in the room i thought i'd have a nice lazy one. Feeling uninspired i got Nev's business magazine, managed to find a business lady showing a bit of leg on one of the pages, and waited for the fun to commence. Suddenly the door went. FUCK! i scrambled off the bed, barely able to pull my trousers up and decided to cower on the floor, partly to cover and shield my watsit. Nev then quizzickly asked 'lost something there mate' 'yeah i can't seem to find my wallet'. Bearing in mind my wallet was on my bedside table, with nothing else remotely near it to obscure it, it was possibly the worst thing i could have said to dampen his suspision. I then feebly retorted, 'oh there it is' nervously laughing, trying to do my belt up at Nev's every turn of head.
2. Nev and J went into the Pier suite which J and Alex were sharing. Alex, who obviously thought it would be either just J, or at the most the two of us coming in decided to perch himself on the floor just in his boxers in some sort of weird position. Nev came out of the room shaking his head and rolling his eyes saying, 'that Alex is a weird one, is he some sort of sexual deviant?'

All that sounds quite weird! but apart from that there was the usual laddish banter, we went to the beach and played boules, we lounged in the park, we went to the casino, lap dancing club, we got pissed and danced, we swam, played a bit of tennis. All in all a great weekend and a funny 1st visit.(so many other funny moments, but its too much to digress in one fell swoop of writing)

2008-07-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't get the Pres and Publications job at QPR. I got an email late last week to say that after serious consideration i was unsuccesful on this occasion. great. I feel gutted, it actually was my dream job. I would have thoroughly enjoyed it, combining my passion for QPR and writing and earning which i'm sure would have been a decent salary. I think the fact that they wanted a years media experience probably counted against me in the end.

I played tennis last week and won. I was partnered with Dickie, who is a fully fledged 6th team player but had to fill in at short notice because Matt Graham dropped out. I had my reservations and although i'd openly criticised such players on my blog previously(bad technique etc) we managed to win 3 out of 4 and the combination worked very well. It can have a calming influence playing with an experienced head and they're very effective at keeping your spirits up, which i've failed to do myself on occasions. I have to say i LOVE the claytex surface at Moss Lane. Personally I hope all 6 courts at Lowlands have this surface as it suits my game the most. Tarmac is too bouncy, the astro is too skiddy and low, but claytex is somewhere in between.

Lastly, i went to Liquid in Uxbridge on Saturday. Why? fuck knows. Some had described it as amazing, others went as far to say it was super dooper. I probably wouldn't be as generous, with my choice word being gash, which is far more ample and fitting. For £8 you get scowling chavs, sweaty tarts and a tiny bowl shaped dancefloor. It felt like a Bishopshalt reunion too, having to make polite conversation with people who you didn't like at school and still don't now.

Petanque champion and 'that' final

2008-07-07T04:50:00.000-07:00

I went to the annual Lowlands 'summer' bbq on saturday. Aside from the manky weather, there was a shit load of drink consumed and some top notch bent. Although the attendance wasn't as high as in previous years(probably a result of the weather), the bar seemed to fill nicely in the evening and there was a good atmosphere. J has done an excellent in depth report on his blog, so i won't reiterate everything that happened though there were some funny moments that weren't mentioned that i'll add:
1. drunken bent at the end of the night results in Daz doing a seedy, disturbing video describing how 'Joseph Fritzel did what was necessary' and how he 'knew where Madelaine Mcann was'.
2. Covey and Christina having a ketchup fight
3. Daz playing the important Petanque final with his hand in his pocket.
4. Completely fucking up the kids court with glass and spilt beer. Pwopa Millwall!
5. Covey declaring that he thought Laura Robson was quite fit, to then hastily detract his comment after realising her age.

Well, what can you say about the mens final. It had everything - drama, tension, rain delays, saved match points, missed opportunities. I can't remember feeling so nervous and as a result so drained watching a tennis match. The two of them have the potential to create the best rivalry ever, like the good old days with Sampras against Agassi. Aside from the match i've almost been more impressed by how they conduct themselves off the court.

Rafa: Though he can appear slightly sullen on court, combined with his caveman like appearance, i found it quite suprising that he is actually quite shy and unassuming hearing him interviewed a couple of years ago for the first time. After winning Queens he went home to the village where he grew up to go fishing with his dad. When interviewed by Sue Barker after the match yesterday, he was almost embarrased and apologetic towards Roger, stating that Roger was still number one with only 1 title to his 5. It wasn't the usual cliched acceptance speech(thanking the sponsors, fans etc) the responses were genuine and instinctive.

Roger: I really enjoyed watching the documentary on him during the rain delays. It really hit home that no matter what happens to him now, what he's achieved is unbelievable. It was inetersting to see how popular he was with the press, which is not an easy feat. Apparently he was willing to do a whole interview again with a radio station when the interviewer realised the recorder wasn't working and regularly asks the press questions at a press conference, even though he is not obliged to. Furthermore he donates a huge proportion of his fortune to the charity that he set up in Africa, making many personal visits out there and seems to have the respect of the whole dressing room.

Bye for now

London

2008-06-30T06:21:00.000-07:00

Had a disastrous journey back from London on Saturday night. I won't regurgitate all the details, but having got to the station at 12 with Wise we ended up almost being stranded up there because of delayed trains/trains leaving ahead of schedule/the two of us getting on different trains. It was a real gut wrenching moment being told by the one of the train attendants at the station that it 'would be very difficult to get back to Uxbridge now'. Luckily severe delays on the Hammersmith and City line meant we could get to Hammersmith and get a taxi back from there. I just don't understand why they can't run later trains just for Friday and Saturday nights.

I hadn't been to London for a while, but my god there are some eccentrics up there. On the train back there was a deaf man dressed as a lady, with a bright green dress and pink floral hat. Not only this but he started to swing from the bars that you hold onto with his arse swinging in shocked peoples faces. People started to take photo's and video's, whooping and clapping his every daft movement. It was wierd. Really weird.

Other than that i went to the tennis club on Monday to watch Nails play in the 6th team match. It was nice watching someone with the classic action and technique, which coulnd't be said for many of the other players on show. I had tried to give Nails a warm up the day before but i was hampered by a chronic bout of golfers elbow. Its probably the worst i've had it and we had to stop our game prematurely after only 20 mins. Even the robocop style strap didn't help!

Lastly i have found the dream job. QPR are advertsing for a Press and Publications officer which entails writing for the official website, writing for the quaterly magazine and undertaking maketing duties, promoting the brand etc. This fits in quite nicely with my qualifications and experience so i'm very excited. This would be major bent.

That friday feeling

2008-06-27T05:09:00.000-07:00

Friday's are simply a right off in the working world. People are tired, restless and busy planning the night/weekend ahead. There's been quite a lot of larking around in the office today. It was a guy called Chris' birthday and the ususal, expected thing is for the birthday boy/girl to bring in cakes for everyone. Well Chris, being a stubborn, miserble git decided to break this trend and bring in nothing, no battenburg or trifle in sight. So me and a few others cut out some pictures of cakes, put them on a plate with a message reading 'thanks for the card, help yourselves to the cakes. Chris'

Our team ended up losing the tennis. Luckily Ben pulled out so i played with James, which i was happy about. Somehow, and i still don't know how, we lost all 4 sets. (6-4/6-4/7-5/7-5). We both played reasonably well, playing tennis the way it should be played and yet had nothing to show for it. Aside from the 1st match which i had no qualms about, the others were lost to guys who were about a hundred, with horrible styles and techniques and yet in the most unorthodox of ways won and beat us. One particular moment triggered a lot of noise from the crowd huddled under the varander and summoned up the night. The ball popped up to me at the net, i lashed it at the player opposite me who had already turned his back and given up on the point only to see the ball ping of the frame of his racket that was hanging down by his side and plop over the net. wanker.

Thats all for now

Blogging it up

2008-06-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a good few months since my last post. I'm dissapointed in myself in that i didn't keep it going very regularly, after a promising start in my blogging career. I have a bit more freedom now that my marketing course has finished, so i hope to write more frequently.

Yesterday i went to Wimbledon. It was nice to break up the working week and get some fresh air, as JGA is renowned for its dungeon like atmosphere. Luckily we had court one tickets, so we scooted past the poor sods in the queue that had camped out on the pavement in the off chance of getting a show court ticket. It was odd but very funny how some people paid £2 to get on the bus, to realise that the bus was for ticket holders, having to get off where the queue started, which must have only been a 20 yard trip.

We saw some good matches. Ivanovic won 10-8 in the last, in what was possibly the longest women's match i've seen, saving two match points along the way. She's smoking hot too, so its good she's still in the tournament, otherwise we'd have to resort to staring at Mauresmo's scabby, hairy legs for our kicks. The other matches saw Bhagdatis and Ferrer go through with relative ease, so there were no major upsets on our court.

I'm playing tennis myself tonight in a match against the other Lowlands team. My game is frustrating me at the moment. I seem to hit the ball really well in practice, but can't replicate it during the match. I think nerves have something to do with it, which is a shame. I'm hoping our captain won't pair me and Ben together. We don't play well together at all and the last match saw us effing and blinding, feeling sorry for ourselves. The bad blood from last season seems to have subsided with the mixing around of players this year, which is probably the reason why a shapla dinner awaits us afterwards.

A disastrous evening

2008-04-09T05:17:00.000-07:00

Watched the Arsenal game at the Emirates stadium last night with Wise and Loey. O2 were doing an offer whereby if you texted a certain number you could win a free pair of tickets to watch a screening of the game in their ginormous bar.

The first fuck up occured on the journey down there. I was on the Met line, nicely tootling along, soaking up the sun by the window seat, making good progress. Until i got to Baker Street that is. The train was waiting for an awful long time, but i didn't think anything of it. Suddenly the doors closed and the train started going backwards! They'd obviously made an announcement that the Aldgate service had changed platforms, of which i was oblivious to because i had my music blaring out. For anyone who doesn't live in London, the distance between Baker Street and Finchley road is so long that you could photocopy 'War and Peace'...... and do it single sided.

From then on the trains were terminating left, right and centre; old dears were let on if they'd just missed the closing doors and the general slow pace was infuriating.

Eventually i got there and tucked into a hotdog and some slightly nervy banter ahead of the big game. For all of the football that i've watched i don't think i've ever experienced such a high followed by a real low in short succession as i did last night. The wild celebrations were completely cut dead by instant silence, like one of those arguments at the Vic in Eastenders when someone turns the jukebox off if there's an argument brewing.

So off everyone trudged into the night, but not before the competition winner had been announced. 'Ticket number 0086' the MC croaked. A glistening PS3 up for grabs. What were our tickets? 0084-0085. The git who entered the stadium a fraction of a second after after won it.

To top the evening off i got a call from Wise on the journey home to say that West Brom had scored 3 goals in the last 8 minutes to beat Blackpool, to make all the reuslts of our 4 fold bet we'd put on come through. The betting slip was left on the table. The £50 down the drain.

The Grand National

2008-04-04T13:03:00.001-07:00

Well its that time of year again, where the Nation is gripped by the biggest Horse race of the calender year. A day where anyone who's anyone will study the form guide in the paper, picking a horse because of the colourful jockey jersey; its current form; what the going is like or because its got no hope in hell, but with the long odds you could win a bloody fortune!

Religiously as a kid i spent that Saturday morning scrutinizing the small print, reading who the so called experts like Richard Dunwoody and Peter Scudamore have tipped and finally backing a horse with a whole weeks pocket money. Its always interesting looking at the horses being paraded to the start to judge what they might be like. Some saunter, looking classy and stylish. Others looking restless, their heads lerching back and forth with their trainers hanging on for dear life.

And then the start. Fucking hell they've mucked that up in the past. Just a scraglly, waffer thin bit of string stopping these beasts from charging off into the distance. And low and behold it will be your horse facing the wrong way, queue the incesant, tetchy shouting from the starter for order. One thing that will always stick in my mind is the race that never was. A false start that didn't register with half of the race jockeys with the winner celebrating maniacically, only to realise that it was all for nothing.

And the commentators. Do they even take a breath? and with their rambling, 100 mile an hour monotone voice they could literally be saying anything. Its quite frustrating really, listening out for any sort of mention of your horse above the cries of people around you shouting for their horse, trying to identify which of the 3 red and white quater jersey jockey's is actually yours.

I cant imagine what it must be like for the horse. Charging round like a lunatic with no chance to get your breath back, being wipped by some cunt who wont get off your back and then being shot in the head after the race because you've got a slight leg injury.

Ultimately the National is for mugs....like me. It invariably doesn't go to form as it does say with the Cheltenham Gold Cup as proved by the 1-2 finish of Denman and Kauto Star. But that is the attraction of the national as its like a lottery after all. I have been given a tip from Daz' Dad Alan for Die or Comply. But taking a tip from him would be like taking sweets from a stranger.

Happy Mug Punting!

2008-04-02T05:03:00.000-07:00

Went to the Den on Tuesday night to watch the United game with Don, Bott and Alan G. United are an excellent side to watch when they play their free flowing attacking football and to win 2-0 in front of such an intimidating, voiciferous crowd is a sign of a great team.
I had the misfortune of having to miss the Arsenal game last night because of my Marketing evening course. The tutor normally finishes at 8.15 but low and behold the course over ran and the train decided to terminate at Rayners Lane. The stop before mine.

One funny incident from the United game, was when Vidic was taken off in some sort of golf buggy instead of the traditional stretcher. So here's me thinking how efficient and considerate the Italians are when the camera suddenly pans back to show Vidic hobbling like a cripple, barely able to walk back to the tunnel with the golf buggy roaring off into the distance to try and break some sort of Olympic stadium lap record!

We've got an audit going on at work today. I feel quite nervous because out of the 20 or so files being looked at, around a 1/4 are mine that i had the task of checking beforehand. The company needs to be 95% accurate or the centre could be in danger of being closed down. gulp.

I had an embarrasing moment at work last week. We are having Moodle training at the moment, which is an online learning environment, pretty much like Blackboard which they have at Universities, but more advanced. As part of the training you had to write a message on one of the forums to replicate what the candidates will eventually be doing during their course. The tutor suggested writing about who you are and what your hobbies are, so for a laugh i wrote 'i'm a retired astronaut and in my spare time enjoy parading around the house in womens clothing'.
What i didn't realise is that the message is also sent as an email which all of the management team recieve as well as the MD! Que constant jokes about what frilly underwear i've got etc..

Monday

2008-03-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

Me and Don ended up winning the darts! 3rd time lucky as they say. Was a bizzare evening really. There were two pools of 8 couples, with the top 2 going through from each pool to play a semi then the resulting final. Rather oddly at one stage we had won 5 out of 6 games but still weren't through and had to rely on other results around us to aid our progression. The 4 pints were exceeded, fucking doubled infact, but somehow nerves still played a part regardless of drinking like a fish.

Aside from the win the evening had a few sour points for me. I couldn't believe how sexist and patronising some of the blokes were, when they were playing with their WAGS. These were some of the comments made:
'Just try and hit the board if its not too much trouble'
'This is the bit you need to hit, the little green bit (*Standing right at the board, pointing at it)
'Oh you can see how the vodka's kicked in for her'
Its quite funny reflecting on it now, but it was pretty cringing at the time.

I played tennis for the 1st time in about a year on Sunday morning. Having broke my finger and avoided the frosty weather i thought i should show my face to gear up for the upcoming league matches in May. I played like a dozy chump. Exactly how a typical British tennis player would. I couldn't believe how rusty i was and ended up getting spanked 6-0, after which i immediately fucked off, head bowed with the strings barely touched. After the 2nd air shot i realised i really need to book some private 1-1 lessons with the coach Cliff to regain some sort of form. It had been so long since i'd ventured onto the court that one of the members simply said 'welcome' when i sauntered on court.

Finally, a really funny thing just happened. A Local Labour associate of some sort rang up our household to ask each of us individually who we were going to vote for in the mayor election. I was the last up and as everyone had opted not to vote labour i thought i'd carry on the trend just for a laugh. The phone conversation went like this:
'Hello Mr Crew, i am enquiring as to who you will be voting for in the mayor election'
'Conservative'
'Can i ask why you have made that decision?'
'Boris, aint it'
'beeeeeeeeeeep'

The start...

2008-03-29T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

Thought i'd get stuck into writing a blog, as i like writing and i'm often at a loose end counting down the seconds of time. Well it almost went tits up trying to sort it out. When registering you have to type in that code, to prove your are human, but it was bloody impossible! I must have had 6 or 7 attempts and kept on fucking it. All the letters were blurred and squiggly and i almost gave up, but here i am....perhaps the administrator felt sorry for me.

I'm playing in a darts tournament tonight. I'm playing with Don, and we've done it twice before with little success. Darts is one of those games where you are one of two types of players.
1. you try and play it properly, the way it should be played, by going for the treble 20, but invariably you hit a 1 or 5. Though when you hit the 20 you feel like a Van Barneveld or a Power Taylor.
2. You just throw it with your eyes closed, launching it like a javelin, hoping for the best and somehow fluke a random treble 13, where the 2 other darts lay folornly on the floor having rebounded off the wall above the board.

Well me and Don fall into catergory 1. However we've been undone by people in category 2. It can take weeks to get over it, though we have both agreed that 4-5 pints is where optimun form is reached so hopefully we'll have more joy tonight.

Aside from Darts i have been in the process of setting up a practical joke ready for April fools to play on a guy at work. Me and one of the young lads on work experience have devised a letter to send to to the said receiver of the prank, claiming that as one of the lucky e-guides he has won £2000 to buy e-learning equipment for the company he works at. It all sounds very far fetched, but we have got logos from the company off the internet so the letter looks convincing-ish.

Most practical jokes in the past proved to be very successful. One in particular resulted in myself and my uni friend jamie buying a kipper from the local convenience store. After letting it soak in the sun, with all the juices secreting i watched Jamie lug it from outside in the courtyard through the tiniest gap in Paul's window to excatly where his bed would be. 2 days later, Paul returned from his weekend away to find the kipper, a soaked matress and bed sheets that stunk to high heaven.

Oh well, i'm off to get ready for another nerve wracking afternoon listening to QPR, relying simply on 2 distant voices to provide a decent reflection on what is happening....